Be strong and of good courage. Do not be afraid. I know how you tell yourself that you are good for nothing. I know that you torment yourself! What drives you to do such a thing? Why do you commit yourself into an everlasting cycle of self-hatred?
You tell me, that you've been brought up this way. I tell you, that I can see it in you. I understand what you go through - I was brought up that way as well. Even now, the system that I was borne from tries to pull me back in. The people of the world say that you MUST hate yourself to grow stronger. To wallow and punish yourselves for the mistakes and crimes that you did (and more often than not, did not) commit.
I met a person once, who had a gentle soul, but in everything that he does, he tortures himself with thoughts of remorse, regret and guilt. The worst part was, that these things were unfounded! Nobody blamed him, nobody scorned him - it was just that he felt that way. He also used to tell me that it was his "upbringing" that taught him so.
And what can be said? The system of the world teaches everyone to be pressured, to pressure themselves, to stress themselves. To be filled with stress, one needs to be destroyed internally. To have his confidence broken, his spirit broken - only then can he be pushed around. Tell me, are you mules? Are you beasts? Or do you think, and feel?
Be strong! There is hope for you yet! You who say that you believe, there is a great hope for you. I was once a part of such a system of belief. I hated, and was ashamed of everything that I did. Even when it was good. I told myself that I could never have anything good - and that I did not deserve praise.
My heart cries out for you, my friend. I know the pain that you go through and I know how far back this pain stretches. You may not see it, but it stems all the way back into your childhood. Consider your past, and tell me it is not so? Be truthful - call abuse for what it is, and praise for what it is.
What else can be said, my friend? All my words will fall upon deaf ears if you who hear, do not want to change. Often times, we enjoy this feeling of pain. Some people externalize it.. some others, turn it inwards, destroying themselves with these feelings.
Where does this stem from, you ask? Injustice. Many who have suffered injustice, wallow in this feeling - only because this is the only feeling that they know. The only feeling that was so strong in their childhood. In time, it becomes the driving force. They can claim that this driving force is what keeps them going, but without the Father's hand, and without facing it, and being freed from this chain of Injustice, in time; the process will repeat itself. Only now, you will be the one who is unjust.
So how do you get free of this? It come back to only one solution. Go to God. Seek Him, cry to Him, and He will answer you without fail. But beware! He will definitely answer you - it is whether you choose to act upon that answer in love and obedience or not, that decides the outcome.
Do not torture yourself with these kind of thoughts any longer my friend. There is hope for you. What you lack, He will fill. Seek Him with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul. I am nothing but a guide. Nothing more, nothing less. He will be the one who strengthens you, for indeed:
"God is my savior; I will trust him and not be afraid. The LORD gives me power and strength; he is my savior. "
Isaiah 12:2 GNB